Peacemaking In Families - Topic No. 2

Where two or more are gathered...there will be conflict!

Conflict within married couples, families, and the workplace is inevitable.  Nobody enjoys conflict, so I thought that I would study up on how to best resolve those pesky conflicts that crop up in our lives, and share them with you!

According to the book "Peacemaking For Families," there are three ways that we handle conflict in our lives.  One, we escape from the conflict and ignore that the conflict is there.  This is called a being a "peace-faker."  Two, we attack our opponent with the strength of a batallion of soldiers.  This is called being a "peace-breaker."  Or three, we maturely discuss the conflict, sometimes coming away with some pretty powerful negotiations in the process.  This is called being a "peace-maker."

Which one are you?

Basically, you can escape from conflict, you can attack during conflict, or you can hold the high ground and maintain the peace.

Peace-fakers:
If you're a peace-faker, you are more interested in avoiding a conflict than in resolving it.  You would rather take the easy, convenient, and non-threatening way out of a conflict rather than confront it in a healthy manner.  In fact, you dread confrontation so much that you will avoid it at all costs.  Sometimes, you may be more concerned about keeping up appearances than in facing reality.  You may be in denial that a problem even exists.  However, for this type of person, relief is only temporary and the problem worsens. If you're a peace-faker, you may quit a job over conflict.  You may leave a church when there's conflict.  Or you may end your relationships over conflict.

Peace-breakers:
If you're a peace-breaker, you are more interested in winning the battle.  For you, conflict equals an opportunity to assert your rights.  You may use a verbal assault on your victim, you may have harsh criticism, become angry, slanderous, and/or full of threats.  Sometimes, a peace-breaker will resort to physical hostility.  This type of behavior only worsens the conflict.  It never repairs it. 

Most of us vacillate between being a peace-faker and a peace-breaker.  Most of us fail to find a lasting solution to our conflicts.  Most of us will lose intimacy with our family members and our spouse and grow farther apart.

But there's a better way for conflict resolution that will result in healing and strengthening of our relationships.

Peacekeepers:
To be a peacekeeper, you will need to overlook certain offenses.  Have you ever heard the phrase, "pick your battles"?  A peacekeeper will  overlook small offenses and offer immediate forgiveness following insignificant disputes.  Proverbs 12:16 says "A fool shows his annoyance at once.  But a prudent man overlooks an insult."  Proverbs 17:14 says "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out."  And finally, "A man's wisdom gives him patience, it is to his glory to overlook an offense."  That's in Proverbs 19:11.

For offenses that should not be overlooked, a peacekeeper will hold a loving confrontation that opens the door for forgiveness and resolution.  Jesus used this method.  "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.  First, go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift.  Settle matters quickly."  (Matthew 5:23-25)

"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.  But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.  If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.  And if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."  Matthew 18:15-17.

Finally, God commands us not to resolve our conflicts through escaping or attacking which results in bruised and broken relationships.  Instead, He teaches us how to peacefully resolve day-to-day conflicts.  God delights to work through us as we rely on His promises and obey His commands.

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Questions for Peacemaking for Families:  (Please share with your partner)

1.  How did your parents typically respond to conflict?

2.  Do you feel these responses carried over into your life?

3.  Which response to conflict do you typically use?

4.  Think of a recent conflict in your family where you did not handle the situation well.  How did your family member fees as a result?  How did he/she react?

5.  As your children or grandchildren watch your example, are they learning to be peacemakers, peace-fakers, or peace-breakers?

6.  What steps can you take in the coming days to bring you closer towards being a peacekeeper in your family?